Posted by:

Michael Grose

Sibling comparison is hard for parents to avoid.

Sometimes we use unfavourable comparisons when we are angry or frustrated.

“What a mess! Even your younger brother knows how to clean up after himself.”

Sometimes we use favourable comparisons when we are excited and enthusiastic with what a child has done.

“Your brother has slaved away at that problem for ages and you got it done in a flash. Wow! That’s brilliant!”

When you feel a comparison coming on, whether direct or even implicit by praising one in front of others (Mum says he’s clever and the inference is I’m not, thinks a sibling who is listening), STOP and describe what you say with no reference to a sibling.

Instead of comparing one child unfavourably to another:

“Why can’t you do your homework straight away when you come home like your sister. You could get it out of the way before dinner and then you can relax.”

Describe what could happen

“If you did your homework before dinner you could be free to watch TV after dinner.”

Describe how you feel or think

“I get concerned that you start your homework late and have to rush it to get it done. I want you to do well and I’m not sure this is the best way to work.”

Describe what needs to be done

“To finish your homework on time you need to start before dinner.”


Instead of comparing one child favourably to another:

“You’re so much more organised than your brother.”

Describe what you see

“I notice that you use lists to keep track of what you need to do.”

Describe how you feel or think

“I appreciate that you were ready for me to pick you up. I like knowing that you will be on time.”

Describing what you see and how you think or feel, without judgement or comparison when kids behave favourably or unfavourably reduces sibling resentment, and enables you to respond to various situations as they arise.

Tags:

child, communication, cooperation, families, family, happy, naughty, parents, relationships, rivalry, siblings